My mother, Marilyn Miceli Roger, died in March, 2012. Our family shared our thoughts as part of her eulogy and memorial service.
We each have a part of the day that we own. For mom, it was late night. Dad travelled most of his professional life. She would stay up until early morning at one point in her life doing oil painting sitting at the kitchen table. Later, she would stay up watching TV or reading. It wasn’t that she couldn’t sleep; she wanted to stay up to be sure that we were safe.
There were two shows that were her staples after the late news – Bill Maher and Letterman. Letterman was her favorite. In deference to Letterman, I would like to share with you my perspective what I believe to be Mom’s Top Ten Legacy.
#10 – Look good. Over the last few days we have been able to share stories with each other to get through the pain and I believe to cement a picture of Mom in our heads. Mom was the oldest in her family. Everyone that has described mom in the same way – always dressed, cut, contoured, perfect make-up, and her long perfectly polished nails. There was an order to getting dressed in the morning. It started always started with coffee and the news. And then the getting dressed began. Mom cared about how she looked and expected the rest of us to as well. When Janice and I got married, one of the first things she did was take Janice to Chicago to go shopping and redo her make-up. Style and color helped define who you were and how others saw you.
#9 – Know what is going on around you and are part of it. Mom loves to watch the news. Mom loves talking about current events, politics, the economy, and government. She held strong views about citizenship, involvement, and politics. Her views were known by all of us. Mom was a democrat in case some of you were unaware. When we lived in Carmel, all the registered democrats in Clay Township lived on our street. Growing up in Indianapolis and going to Shortridge she knew Dick Lugar. He was the only Republican she regularly voted for. Mom took the boys with her to vote every election. The polling staff knew that she would take them into the voting with booth with her and they didn’t question it. When Eddie and Miles were old enough to vote in their first election, they drove up from Bloomington so we would all go vote as a family. The asked if we were democrats because it was what we believed, because we were Jewish, or because Grandma said so. The answer was yes.
#8 – Get real. Mom is a realist. When she met our father, she found a man that was 99% dreamer. Daddy never knew how to do anything small. Mom wanted a Star of David necklace. Daddy came home with a platinum and diamond necklace that was so large, when our house was robbed the necklace was left – no way anything that size could be real. Daddy was wildly in love with Mar. He truly believed she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was his wife. Daddy wanted to move to Australia because he was positive that there would be tremendous growth and opportunity there. Mom said that’s good, let us know what its like. The more daddy dreamed, the more grounded and realistic mom became. When daddy died so many years ago, there was a sense of adventure that never came back in her life. She knew how to have fun. She loved trips to New York or Florida with Mark, taking the kids on adventures. But that bigger then life world of our father could never be replaced.
#7 — Lead don’t follow. So many people have said that mom would tell it like it was. There was a post on Facebook that said she was a bull in a china shop. I think I have heard the word strong at least a hundred times in the last 72-hours. Mom was a leader but a benevolent leader. For a woman of her age and growing up in the era she did, the traits of a good leader on a woman were not seen as a positive. Describing a man as strong, single-minded, demanding excellence would be a positive. For a woman, it would be a bull in a china shop. When Mom first went on the Men’s Board of the BJE she would always make coffee before a meeting and clean up the table after. One of her feminist friends said this was terrible. Her response was that if she made coffee it tasted like something and when you give someone something to eat or drink, they treat you with respect. As to the cleaning, she found that the doodles people wrote down in a meeting gave you insight into their thoughts.
Mom was the first female president of the BJE and one of the first women to break though to the men’s boards in the Jewish community. She did this was strength, hard work, and grace. For over 40 years she was a volunteer and professional at the BJE. She believed every child should have the ability to receive a Jewish education. She believed that the BJE should be a safe place for children. She fought hard for what she believed in her heart was right. Mom demanded funding because this is how you insure a generation of Jews. This is how you insure commitment. Some of you worked alongside Mom and some of you sat across the table. She was formidable. Her approach was reason, data, and having an answer before you asked a question. At one point there was a decision to change the organizational structure and Mom should lead the agency. She believed an educator needed to be at the top. People would get frustrated opposing mom – she typically had an answer and she was usually right.
#6 – Innovation. Love gadgets and technology. Mom’s bedroom in her house in Broad Ripple had an amazing sound system. She loved any new toy. When something broke, she would take it apart and fix it. Later in life she wasn’t crazy about computers; but once Eddie set her up with a laptop and she found blogs, news, and games, she was set. When she learned that she could track off of us on navigator, she kept tabs with every trip. Video games quickly became a passion of hers. There wasn’t an electronic toy made that didn’t end up in our house for the kids.
#5 – Hoosier cooking. As a child, mom would go out on produce runs with her father. These would include an early morning breakfast at truck stops. This was how she fell in love with dried beef gravy. Her motto was very simple – she loved anything she cooked! If it was a tenderloin from Borkeys, Toddle House chocolate pie, Hollyhock chicken, or fresh bread and spaghetti sauce – mom loved it. Mark would buy butter creams for her. The kids would take her to Daddy Jacks. A good meal and conversation – mom was happy.
#4 – Order. There was a sequence to getting up in the morning. There was a way the house should look. Chokies never moved. Everything has a process, a sequence, an order … and it shouldn’t be broken. Janice said that mom was holding on because she was doing it on her on schedule. Mom died at lunchtime. It just made sense. Coffee is to be made at the end of day so it will be ready when you wake up. At the end of the day, check the kitchen, temperature, and the door. Her grandfather, Pa, called her every night of her adult life to make sure the doors were locked. If I stayed up late as a child I knew it was time to pretend to be sleeping when I heard, off, off, off, off, shut, lock, and latch.
#3 – Be the world’s coolest Grandma. Mom’s grandmother was the world’s coolest grandma. Bubble would keep mom weekends when grandma and grandpa would go the Roof to dance. They would go the Ayers Tea Room, movies at the Circle, cook. This was her role model for what a grandmother should be. When Eddie came along, she transitioned into the grandma role with a zeal and passion I had never seen in her since dad died. Eddie and then Miles, Maddie and then Sammie – this was her purpose. This was her lifeblood. She never understood why her best friend would retire and move to Florida. When the preschool went roller-skating, mom was in the middle if it all. When the boys went to college, mom was there to move them in. When the girls went to camp, mom would readily offer to help Janice move out GUCI only to immediately disappear looking for the Maddie and Sammie. We have all posted in Facebook the last few days. If you look at the kid’s posts, you’ll see Sammie and Maddie’s friends sharing stories about grandma. Eddie and Mile’s fraternity brothers comforting the but also are sharing in the loss because a friend was gone. Mom knew all of my friends, Mark’s friend, and the kids friends. She was the cool grandma.
#2 – Love your children with all you heart. We knew Mom loved us. She didn’t always agree with us, but she always loved us unconditionally. Mark shared Mom’s artistry and he embodied daddy’s ability to dream. When daddy died Mom sat Mark and I down and said we had to make decisions – the three of us. She told us within days of dad’s death that it would be the three of us now taking on the world. If we stayed close, stayed together, would survive.
When mom got married, grandma sat her down and told her she loved her son more then anything. Now that Mom was in the picture, she knew could loose him and that wasn’t going to happen. She told Mom she would never have a harsh word with her because she wouldn’t risk loosing her son. She passed this same message down to Janice and to Randi. Janice and Randi were her daughters. They were her children.
#1 – Growing up we would go to the Maurer’s for holidays. I would listen to Mickey describe the role his mother played in the family. Adam Shapiro emailed Janice last night. Adam was one of our kids that we watched grow up at IHC. He said that Marilyn was our family’s Joan – his grandmother. Over the years people would ask me how many Roger’s are there – it seems like whenever you see one, you see them all. In reality, our family isn’t that large. As all of you have shared your stories with Mark, Janice, Randi, Eddie, Miles, Maddie, Sammie and me the last few weeks, another thought that is a constant is that Mom was the glue that held everything together. She was their friend, their mentor, their colleague, their older sister, and their older cousin. The #1 legacy Mom leaves is all of us. When Mark serves as the next president of the BJE board, mom will be there telling him what to do. When Janice chants Aveinu Malchainu, Mom will be sitting there beaming with pride. When Randi guides Maddie and Sammie into adulthood, Mom’s compassion and love will be heard. When Eddie creates that million-dollar computer program, Mom will say I told you so. When Miles makes kugel for break the fast, mom will remind him to add a little extra cinnamon sugar. At the end of Maddie’s first day in high school Mom will be the first one to want to hear every story. When Sammie’s sense of humor shines, Mom will be there laughing the most.
One of these days I’ll be someone’s grandpa. When we have Passover, have Sunday dinner, or tell stories about their great-grandma, if they think, “I have a cool grandpa,” it will because I learned from the best.
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