Better Late Than Never

Sometimes nothing makes you feel better.

It has been several months since my last post.  Writing has always been like therapy for me; when I felt sad, writing made me feel better.  When I felt happy, writing would let me document the events.  For the last few months, most of my energy has focused on work, family, and getting from one day to the next.  Sadness can do that to you.

I wouldn’t characterize these weeks and months as depression.  Others might.  I like to think of these moments as moving through the steps of mourning.  I’ve been told if those left behind feel sad, the life lost had meaning.  Each day, each moment, has created a lesson learned.

1. Life goes on.  School presentations and seasons, birthdays and holy days, snowfall and summer sun — those special occasions in our lives keep occurring regardless of your wants or needs.  You can’t tell the world to stop just because you want to get off.
2. Family pictures just don’t look right.  Years ago, I started taking pictures and sorting them in order to document our lives and share it with those yet born.  The first group, family picture felt somewhat odd.  As we moved to our designated setting, there was a voice suggesting we move to the other side of the porch.  Each of us took our places trying so hard not to leave an empty space.  The picture came out great except for the lack of balance in the photo.
3. There are no words of comfort that bring comfort.  Hallmark has yet to write a card which really captures the feeling.  This is a time of non-verbal communication.  A look, touch, glance, whisper.  These are the words of loss.
4. Each of our journey’s is unique.  No two journey’s share a starting point; each trek has its own directions and course.  There is no way to estimate the time needed for this journey, not knowing a destination prevents us from calculating time travel.
5. Memories are more than mental images we carry with us.  Memories include the scent of a perfume still on jackets in the closet.  A clock, a pen, a book can trigger a remembrance.  The sound of laughter can cause an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.  A glance, a smirk, a twinkle in a child’s eye can take you back decades and launch a memory of warmth and love.
6. New Normal.  Each of us has said that we are looking for a new normal.  Our equilibrium  has been disturbed and we are searching for a way to reestablish it.  Unfortunately there is  no one, correct way to do this.  It is trial and error — hoping for getting it right and expecting a certain percentage of failures.
7. “Did you lock the door?”  So many little things all of a sudden go left undone.  We were preparing latkes and my sister was shocked that there was a trail of dishes and bowls just sitting on the counters and sink.  It’s not the big things that are missing…it’s the little things that each of us does without other knowing.  Checking the thermostat when the 11pm weather calls for cold weather.  Filling the coffee canister when its low.  Leaving a light on in the hallway so you don’t walk into a dark home.
8. It doesn’t get better.  Those first moments without someone become fewer with more distance between each one.  The triggers are still there.  It doesn’t dissipate.
9. Each of us slowly fills in missing spaces in our lives.  It might be an aunt that calls often, a friend who checks in more frequently, or it could be someone making soup “as close to what it tasted like” as possible.  We use our love to fill each gap.  Scabs develop but can be nicked far too easily.  Over time, new layers of skin develop.  It looks close to the original, just different.

There isn’t a 10th learning yet.  It is a learning in development.   Each moment, each step taken, each milestone passed invites us to take on a new and different role.   We change seats at the table and retain meal menus that symbolize a holiday.  Children become adults a little faster; parents await becoming the grandma or grandpa a little sooner because homeostasis includes three generations around the table.  The tenth learning definitely does not include forgetting.  My guess is that when we realize the tenth learning it will just happen with no warning.

The fodder for these entries continues.  The desire to write returns now and then. Writing feels somewhat more pedantic than it did several months ago.  The first entry has been written and the journey started again.