I never understood what was meant when ‘the end of a generation’ was used to describe a death. Many of us represent the sandwich generation; an opportunity to experience and reflect on three generations concurrently sharing space on this planet. I often liken age to seating at a party. When young, we are far from the dance floor, close to the door so a quick exit can be made. As years go by, we are somewhere in the middle of the party. Soon, you are adjacent to the dance floor because you have now achieved target market status. The trek towards back toward the door begins as you age. This movement away from the dance floor and closer to the entrance/exit stems from the prevailing attitude you will not enjoy the music, complain about the loudness of the music, and leave just as the children are being whisked off to bed.
We recently lost a dear friend. She was the mother of someone I grew up with, she was a colleague, she was a leader, she was a grandparent. She represented one of the last of her generation of women; a generation who played a significant role shaping the 20th and 21st centuries. She was a woman who began life as a housewife, parent, and volunteer. It was during an era woman were members of service organizations, enjoyed luncheons, and ensured organizational kitchens ran smoothly.
There was a formality associated with this generation. A woman’s name was listed as Mrs. husband’s name. Occasionally their first name would be listed within parentheses – encapsulated as an afterthought. Formal luncheons were welcomed additions to a week’s calendar. There was a level of achievement represented by becoming a servant leader within the community. Schools, not for profit organizations, religious institutions all flourished from their organizational skills, fund raising prowess, and sheer fortitude. They led organizations – sans decision-making.
Events of the late 20th Century led to a C-change for these women. Kitchens and fundraisers were as vital as ever; but there was a cadre of women who earned the respect of their male ‘do-gooder’ counterparts because of their hours and hours of behind the scenes work. These women understood the organizations they served better than their male counterparts because they had been languishing in the trenches, learning the organization from the ground up – literally.
These were organizations whose decision and policy making was in the hands of the men. Who better to set a course than the community business leader, professional, or civic leader. To help differentiate the workers and the policy makers, some of these boards were referred to as the ‘big’ or ‘men’s’ board. Women gained some representation. Typically to represent the fund-raising efforts or to be a conduit to action. Within the not for profit world, provocative conversations and organizational development took on a new flavor when the voices of these women were added because they truly understood the end users and the products offered by the organization. Their perspective represented how the organization actually ran. What these women lacked in degrees (although many had outstanding collegiate careers) was made up for in hard work and countless hours creating the necessary funds to keep the lights on and services continuing. These volunteer leaders were different. They knew how to raise the funds; they knew where the light switch was.
Many of these female leaders had been employed prior to marriage. Some during marriage. This was an era of male breadwinners and women responsible for children and home. Real wealth and position meant a leisurely life for the wife supporting being benefactors in the community. They were a compliment to their husband’s careers.
Within the ranks of this volunteer brigade were a subset of women who quietly moved up in the decision-making leadership of the organizations and eventually were sitting and working alongside the men. These were the women who broke through the glass ceiling. Their assent to leadership may have been accompanied by a mantra of “if we don’t promote her, she will walk.” They had to work harder, be smarter, and expect to be seen as colleagues, equals, collaborating partners.
My mom was one of these women. Her closest friends were these women. The death we shared this week was one of the last surviving women of this cadre. Each had a great work ethic, an understanding of how each and every aspect of the organization ran, knowledge of the trenches of the organization, and the ability to be one of the boys. They were strong, had forceful personalities, and shared those traits lauded for men and viewed unique for women. They hadenjoyed their luncheons, golf or tennis, and fund raisers; they wanted more. They wanted to raise the funds and be stewards of their expenditure. Some demanded their position at the table; it was rare. More typical was they were individuals who simply were always there. Not sitting at the head of the table just seemed wrong.
The mantle of leadership demanded they play by the men’s rules. Each in her own was said to be a trailblazer. Then something strange occurred. After serving their terms of leadership, the idea of going back into the kitchen was unfathomable. These women looked around and saw women of a younger age were not volunteering in the same way. They had far less time to devote to sales and parties because they were working and moving through their own professional journeys. Women who had broken the glass ceiling and knew there was more to like than making dinner. They had their own names and identities. They had a taste of respect beyond the home and liked it.
There were some within this subset of a generation who moved on to new and different volunteer tasks. Some returned to care for grandchildren while daughters or daughters-in-law were climbing their own ladder. There were some who were do indispensable to the organizations they led that they went to work and became professionals within the organizations. Resumes that lacked in specific degrees were made up with years and years of hands-on experiences. The skills that moved them to the hold the gavel now propelled them into the offices.
These women are now long retired. Their final chapters of life recorded, one by one they have completed their journeys. Lauded for their contributions to society, community, and family, the adjectives used in eulogy eerily similar. Strength and independence are highlights. Differentiating traits considered anomalies at the time are now instilled in the DNA of their daughters and granddaughters. Their journeys will never be repeated in society. Their contributions never replicated by another generation. This was a generation who quietly and often conservatively changed the world and made it better. Today, I am a better man, husband, and father because of their generation. Their journey will never really be understood. Its course will be foreign to their descendants.
The death this week is definitely the end of a generation.
Thank you.
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