The strength, or weakness, of our relationships is a leading indicator of success. A quick review of Amazon or the local mega book seller reflects our collective desire to build strong, meaningful, supportive relationships with colleagues and coworkers. One suggestion before purchasing the self-help books or downloading your favorite podcast is to consider the biological aspects of relationship building; specifically, how we each handle stress.
Faced with a giant mastodon, the neanderthal would fight off the beast or run to nearest cave. Our natural response is either to fight or flee. The brain initiates increased adrenaline and other hormones increase when confronted with stressors. The physiological manifestation is rapid breathing, increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure. Th sight of this massive beast initiate the response to defend and go to battle or move as fast as your two neanderthal feat would carry you to a safe place.
The mastodon is extinct; fight or flight is ever-present.
Confronted by a colleague who is a bully, who refuses to collaborate, or simply never learned how to play well with others, we respond may by going on the attack or adopting a defensive posture. We fight off the stress with all our resources.
There are times where we acquiesce and explain away our behavior as an attempt to keep the peace; the results are never what was planned. There is also avoidance. You may believe avoiding a discussion or issue is in the best interest of the group, the poor behavior of the stressor is enabled.
Most deny the fight or flight response. It appears childish and an inappropriate response for relationships. We differ from our early ancestors by rationalizing each situation. In an effort to create unity and maintain the a group, we rally our colleagues and share a common anger for the bully; this rationale approach does not negate the bully. The result is perpetuating an us versus them mentality.
There was a situation of a colleague berating their shared administrative assistant. In response to the complaints and review of errors being made, the other individual was steadfast in their support of the admin. The rationalization of being supportive resulted in a complete loss of impartiality — the errors were real. The response to the errors was the real issue.
You and I are the result of millions of years of evolution. Our desire to fight or flee is a constant. The only way to break the cycle is to become engaged. Understanding your individual response mechanism is the first step. Over time, these responses reinforce the negative behavior of the other.
Taking a step back, increasing awareness of how you react in different situations to “your” mastodon; and, adopting a response of engagement will break the cycle of fight or flight. Accepting personal responsibility, recognition of your reinforcement of the others negative behavior is the beginning of a journey of change. Adopting a new behavior set and not relying n the crutches developed over time enables you to take back control of the situation and start creating positive relationships.
Leave a Reply