I turned another year older on 22 October. It is apparent that I have moved beyond middle age; the notion of living to 110 years is not the least bit appealing. Therefore, our journey is one toward conclusions rather than beginnings. That happy thought aside, each year my brother asks, “What did you learn this year?” as we are enjoying our birthday cake. It is a time to reflect; although often a quick, humorous retort is befitting the occasion. Achieving this age offers an opportunity to reflect and gather a different perspective on the events of the last twelve months.
Learning #1 — Running the World is not the ultimate dream! Early in my professional life, taking charge and implementing my agenda was of the utmost importance. Perhaps it is due to a Type A personality; or the presence of an Italian and Jewish mother that lead to this desire to excel and spread the wealth which is me as broadly as possible. The last two years, this agenda item has disappeared. There has been an opportunity of the last year to observe a colleague who is the new kid of the block, the wonder kid, who is taking the mantle in a workplace setting. Watching every false step, error of omission, and mistake — all situations that I did the exactly the same way, is like looking into a mirror.
It doesn’t mean the drive for excellence, innovation, or creativity is absent. Running the world is not all that exciting anymore. The state of the world has definitely declined during the last half century. The measure of intelligence is no longer how many people will follow or even listen to you. Keep in mind, Adolph Hitler lead millions of the world’s populous into battle. The opportunity to serve as a leader and serve as an innovator or creator is not synonymous. Leadership requires a unique set of skills and competencies; innovation and creativity are not necessarily two of those.
Managing an array of disjointed elements and creating a uniform sound is interesting. The ability to achieve a crescendo from a mass of bodies, thoughts, and minds is intriguing. The joy is simply not the same. My learning this year has been the value of having pride in an accomplishment, small wins taken with each step, impacting the life of one individual spirit in a creative manner brings an unmatched joy.
Learning #2 — Every group requires a focal point or a driver. Playing a specific role on a team or group, in the workplace or the family, is necessary. We each have our own role to play. The script may be prescribed or extemporaneous. To achieve our objectives or to expect any level of success, we each need to honor and be faithful to this role.
It also requires someone to see beyond the individual and bring the skills, talents, and energies together in unison. Call it management, leadership, dictatorship, or family — the need for integration is desperate. A year after the death of our family’s matriarch, i understand the value and need for this position.
In our family we call the months following the death of my mother a search for the new normal. As the mother of the family, there was an expectation of leadership and follow-ship by younger members of the family. Holidays or Sunday night dinners, family events or signing a card — her name would be first, center, and central. During the months following her death, each member of the family reevaluated their role and modified their job description. We each adopted new tasks, new skills, new expectations. Making holiday chicken soup was tasked to my wife. Making sure her grandchildren, the next generation of the family, were always present and represented fell to one of the grandchildren. Adopting a twinkle in the eye and humorous while matter of fact outlook on the world became the task of another grandchild. My role was not to become the parent or leader; it was to set an agenda, keep expectations, continue the vision — and espouse that vision.
Learning #3 — We essentially never change! I had a nickname when i was a little boy. At some point in time the nickname disappeared and my given name took charge. The moment in time this occurred in unknown. Looking at some old school books and papers it must have been in high school. The name may have changed, but there was always a part of the little boy present.
Nature versus nurture is a debate that professionally has been a part of my life for decades. One’s DNA cannot be altered. The fears of an adult are no different from those of a child. Driving down a dark road at night brings about the same emotion as riding a bike to Andy Hanley’s home for the first time (I had to go out of the neighborhood and down a real street). The ghosts of the night are as real today as they were in the past; there just is no parent’s bed to run too any longer.
Learning #4 — Legacy is a personal objective. Reaching 110 years is abhorrent to me. If there is birthday cake with 110 cables and my name in the icing, the party will be pretty small. Did you ever notice that when an elder is the last one of his or her peer group to die, there is no one left to mourn. Running the world isn’t important; leaving something behind so that my great grandchildren will know who their great grandfather was is important. I want my efforts, good and bad, to matter. I want to matter.
Several years ago, we returned to Lafayette, Indiana and visited the house my father grew up in. We parked on the street, began to comment how small everything looked, and a man walked out the front door asking what we were doing in his yard. As we explained, he said,”I bought the Roger house…” The Roger house. Wow. It had been decades since any Roger lived in that house; for this man who as a child lived nearby, it was the old Roger house. My grandparents mattered.
I was speaking to someone at a party recently. She mentioned that her granddaughter was in my Religious School class. We talked how odd it was since I had taught her son, the student’s father, years before. “Which Mr. Roger do you have?” asked the grandparent to her granddaughter. “The old one!” she exclaimed. Not feeling like the old one, i realized both my sons volunteered and taught Religious School. They were the new Mr. Roger. My legacy was staring my in the face.
And, finally, Learning #5. During the last year, I learned that every day you can learn something. A new factoid, meet a new person, gain a new skill. Each day offers the opportunity to grow, think, challenge.
What did you learn this year? The sheer act of living another year carries with the challenge to be part of the living and experience the world. It is the opportunity to see the world through someone else’s eyes — for the first time.
The candles have been extinguished and icing licked off their bases. There are a few crumbs of cake left on the table. There isn’t anyone to tell the story of my birth any longer sitting with us; the memories of those stories are etched into our collective minds (thankfully). It’s time to share all the things I learned this year.
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